The reference-laden “Title of Awesomeness”, by Caedmon Fowler

by facepalmforever

The following is Caedmon Fowler’s “Beowulf Boast” assignment. The students were to write an exaggerated personal boast after the style of Beowulf. Oh, and if you click on the links, some of them are rewarding. My favorite is “Rabbit Speaker”.

Title of Awesomeness

I, the conqueror of the Hallowed Fountain,

the trainer of the wild Thragtusk,

and Ruler of the Void,

set out to complete my mission to save the world’s greatest heroes from the infamous Bad Horse.

I, the kin of Jef Fearsome and grandson of Grandpa Fearsomer hath come upon this place to free

the imprisoned heroes.

My father who hath wrestled single-handedly twenty-four and a half bears for thirty six hours

hath given me his helm of thinkingness which will help me outsmart Bad Horse.

Though Bad Horse may have done many evil deeds, I have done greater righteous acts.

While at the Great Lake of the Under Water Trees, I discovered an underwater cave.

I bravely explored its depths. for ten days before I hit the bottom.

There lay the gateway to another dimension which was called Atlantis.

After the Merfolk had trained me in the ways of water bending, I departed as the secret keeper of Atlantis.

I have been to the fire galaxy where I fought the reavers attacking the fire king.

In return, I received my flaming sword of the Boss for opening up a worm hole that trapped all the reavers.

Even though Bad Horse is the most evil of the evil villains, his destruction is a task that I must do.

If I don’t fulfill my mission, then the greatest heroes will remain in his prison forever.

Great heroes such as Link, Neo, Pokemon, Luke Skywalker, the guy that plays in Die Hard,

and of course, King Kong will remain there if I don’t

So, I the Great Rabbit Speaker and the great Batrider will enter into battle with Bad Horse.