The Facepalm

Publishing Veritas Academy's finest facepalm moments

Month: September, 2013

An emergency at the Schuknecht household

by facepalmforever

 

This was after Jude had been sent to bed – a notoriously difficult time of the evening. He clomped down the stairs and the following dialogue ensued. 

 

Jude: MOM! There’s a bit of an… emergency… on Ginger’s neck!

Stevi: Is she strangling? right now?

Jude: No, uh, her neck is kind of bumpy…

Stevi: Yeah, she has an owie.

Jude: and her hair is kind of like hair gel… can I have some chocolate chips?

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BONUS (Vol. I)

by facepalmforever

 

Following Mr. Donaldson’s lead with his “Trip to Canada” bonus, we’ll be posting funny answers to Bonus questions (anonymously and periodically) on the blog. This is installment one.

The bonus: “What is unique about the cat that lives near my house?” 

The real answer: He’s missing his tail. AND? he hunts lizards all day. Like it’s his job. Because it is. 

 

My students’ answers:

  • The cat in your neighborhood meows like a cow and keeps you up through the long hours of the night.
  • Your cat by your house has one eye that is red and one that is green. He is a white cat and every step he takes you hear a bell. This cat must be the Cat of Christmas future.
  • It’s unique because cats don’t live near houses, they are wild beasts that live in Atlantis and will chew off your finger nails. But their weakness is toe nails.
  • He eats cars.
  • The cat can play magic ™. He has cut a slit in his fur to hold his boros deck. When he wins, he gets part of your soul. If he loses, you get to have a wish granted. The best way to beat him is by using an Izzet deck. He is afraid of water and will forget even how to use mana.
  • The cat that lives near your house crawls through your window and then turns on the T.V. and watches WWE all day. She is very unique.
  • It continually will either sleep in the engine or take a nap under the tires. It will never die from either thing.

 

North Pole Race: Hanenburg Vs Donaldson

by Mr. Donaldson

We should have chosen different outfits

The race is on.

 

“Who would win in a worldwide race to the North Pole between Mr. Hanenburg and Mr. Donaldson” as answered by 9th grade boys:

 

1. Donaldson has a natural Canadian resistance to cold, and he probably knows Canada’s terrain better, but Hanenburg is more used to rock climbing and similar activities. Assuming that neither had access to planes or 4×4 (not that the latter would do much good) Hanenburg would ultimately win because of his outdoor skills. I do not know much about Donaldson’s survival skills, so for now this will have to be a large guess. The verdict: Hanenburg…unless they had spaceships.

2. Mr. Donaldson because the North Pole was moved to Canada [edit: from where?] and you [Mr. Donaldson] know how to ride on polar bears [truth], and Mr. Hanenburg would be sitting at home drinking tea while petting the glorious stag he keeps as a pet [his name is Forsythe]

3. Obviously Donaldson. He would summon polar bears, being Canadian, to pull his Ice Chariot, while Hanenburg would be on foot.

4. Donaldson

5. Mr. Donaldson because [he] used to live in Canada so [he knows] how to get through a lot of snow.

6. I think that Mr. H and Mr. Donaldson would team up and reach the North Pole creating an everlasting friendship, blessed by God, between Francis and Muller, making a new house…MUCIS!

7. Mr. Donaldson: he is already familiar with the geography of Canada, which is very close to the North Pole. He probably has (or will have) a snowmobile or polar bear back in the homeland, which travels faster than Mr. Hanenburg can. Mr. Donaldson also knows all the Mario-Kart-like shortcuts, since he is the head of Francis, the best house at Mario-Kart. [edit: there are yellow-ground-speed-arrows EVERYWHERE in Canada]

8. This is a hard competition of great athleticism. Both of these combatants would have a fine chance of victory with most probably similar economic wealth to help them on their way. Travel by land or water is the first ordinance that they must abide by. In the end, I believe that Mr. Donaldson would win the race due to his greater exposure to, and therefore resistance to, both cold and warm climates.

Verdict:
Donaldson: 6
Hanenburg: 1 (barring spaceships)
MUCIS House: 1 (Sounds like mucus)

From Russia With Love, by Clare Edgar

by facepalmforever

 

    Part 1

Russia and the United States. Despite détente between the two countries at the end of the Cold War, in the hearts of many they have always been enemies.

A young woman. Tall, blonde, attractive. She strolls slowly towards the U.S. Embassy, checking her purse as she does so. This contains her wallet, a small note-pad and a bag of makeup; highly acidic eyeliner, eye shadow that explodes when exposed to oxygen and fatally poisonous mascara with a brush sharper than diamond. It also contains a small golden pocket-watch.

She looks at the tall, marble building ahead of her and a faint smile touched her lips at the thought of it in flames.

Part 2

The young woman mounts the stairs and enters the building. As she views the crowd of businessmen, she spots the person she is looking for. A young man, no more than 22, stands with a gun and a uniform at the entrance to security. A complete stranger to her, but perfect for the completion of her plan. Putting on the look of a bewildered tourist, she walks up to him, politely asking for the visitors center.

The young man, seeing only an attractive blonde who is obviously interested in him, turns on his charm, or lack thereof. After pointing her in the right direction with a grin that would have looked over-excited on a clown, his eyes remain on her receding figure. Noting this, the young lady makes a show of accidentally turning her heel and falling to the floor. The guard, startled at so brilliant an opportunity to display his gallantry, rushes to her side and helps her up. She leans heavily on him, making a show of the pain in her ankle.

She clings to him for perhaps a little longer than necessary. The guard decides this is the time to make his move. Casually, as though it is of very little importance to him, he asks her if she would enjoy a dinner date with him that night at 7:00 at Café la Rouge, a small street-side café some ways north of the Embassy. With a brilliant smile, the woman accepts the invitation. But before letting go entirely, she kisses him on the cheek. Feeling she may have overdone it just a tad, she glances at his face. She is immediately reassured by the puppy-like look of adoration on his face.

The young man, pink to the tips of his ears and maintaining the same expression as he watches her leave, fails to notice a glittering gold watch, now residing in the pocket of his uniform.

Part 3

Several hours later, the guard glances at his watch. Ten ‘til six; perfect. He would have plenty of time to get ready for his dinner date. Grinning at the thought of another kiss from the beautiful blonde, he clocks out and heads to the locker room to change. As he undresses, he hears a faint clinking noise coming from his pocket. He empties its contents to find a shining gold watch.

Strange, he thinks to himself. I must have picked it up during my shift. I’ll just return it to the Visitor’s Center. With that, he clicks open the top to observe the face of the watch. There is a puff of shining powder, a flash of light, and silence.

The explosion could be heard all through the city.

Several miles away, sitting at a two-person table in Café la Rouge, Russian KGB agent Nadia Pakes sips her coffee serenely as the sirens begin to wail. Once again, her work will make headlines.

 

The Riley Rally, Short and Long

by facepalmforever

Mr. Schu’s new nickname

by facepalmforever

During thesis topic consideration meeting…

 

Keyfitz: “…our friendly face could not be so friendly… [suddenly aside to Troy] are you just eating a bag of meat?”

Shuknecht (holding meat to face): “Uh… yeah.”

Keyfitz: “That can be your new nickname. Meatbag.”

The Plight of the Plastic Bag, by Alsten Okpisz

by facepalmforever

Eco-friendly, reusable, score!

Promote reusable more and more!

The term “plastic bag” forgotten lore,

Quoth the City, “Nevermore.”

 

 

Note: I am not promoting the film, “American Beauty”. I’ve never seen it. This plastic bag scene, though, is notorious. 

Alexander, dog tamer.

by facepalmforever

Behold: the glory of 9th grade history.

The Completed Project:

 

The Bloopers:

 

Old Timers

by Mr. Donaldson

Mr Donaldson: So class, give me some reasons why memorization is important

Class: uh…..um……er……

Mr. Donaldson: It doesn’t have to be big or profound. Just one.

[name redacted]: Oh! Because it will keep us from getting Old Timers!

Mr. D + class: ????!

[name redacted]: You know, that disease where you forget…

[another student]:…do you mean Alzheimer’s?

Mr. Donaldson: *facepalm*

The Qualifier

by facepalmforever

Witness.