The Facepalm

Publishing Veritas Academy's finest facepalm moments

Month: October, 2013

Ribbit, by Graham

by facepalmforever

The day was not going well for me. I was almost smashed by a wagon, boiled alive, and thrown to my death. I was fleeing from a small band of young boys when I hopped into a random house. A young man was staring down at me intently and looked curious, but seemed rather perturbed.

Ribbit – What’s your name? And will you please hide me?” I asked frantically. “Oh wait, I’m so sorry. I forgot you don’t speak frog.”

“Chafulmisa is my name,” the boy replied, confused. “And why are you talking to me? Frogs cannot talk! Are you the goddess Heqet? My family worships you! Oh how great – ”

“Whoa, whoa there buddy. I’m not a girl, or divine, or anything like that. I am a frog.”

And then, without warning, Chafulmisa just turned and left. Strange guy, I thought. It was nearing midday, and I realized I hadn’t been over to the river in a ages. I had found a nice puddle of water near the shade trees I sat in during the hot times, much more convenient than hopping down to the community river. I hopped, and hopped, and hopped, and hopped until it seemed like I’d been hopping for too long. I knew I was near the river, but something was wrong. There were no people standing around squabbling with their annoying little children running about. Something was definitely wrong. I bounced towards the river hurriedly. There were only a few hundred people, a definite change from the thousands usually here at midday. Then I looked back down at the river. It looked different somehow. Then it hit me, the river wasn’t shiny and clear like usual, it was a blood-red color. Oh! And is that terrible stench coming from the river? I saw several frogs crouched by the far riverbank. I hesitantly leaped towards them and landed in the odd colored water. As I began to paddle my way across, the water seemed to push against me as I swam to the far bank. The smell alone seemed as if it would kill me. I jumped out of this strange water and tried to shake off the slimy film that covered my body. One of the other frogs shouted to me, “Hey! Did you jump in too?”

Obviously,” I responded, “Is this actually water? Or is it some other liquid? It feels like swimming in the ditches after a rainstorm, all thick and filmy!”

It is blood,” the other frogs responded. “We saw two men talking to another man and the first two said, ‘The Lord, the God of the Hebrews, has sent me to say to you: Let my people go, so that they may worship me in the wilderness. But until now you have not listened.’ Then one of them held up a big stick, and BAM! No more water, only blood.”

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Bonus Vol II

by facepalmforever

The question: Why was Mr. Seay especially shaken when we hit a deer while driving to work together Tuesday morning?

The answers:

  • He was sleeping
  • The deer blood
  • The deer sucker-punched him with his mind
  • He didn’t have his seat belt on
  • It blind-sided him and so he didn’t see it coming. And yall hurt an innocent animal.
  • He comes from a long line of animal lovers & felt badly for the deer. Also, his cell phone fell out of the car.
  • He used to own a pet deer and it ran away a week ago so he though it could’ve been his deer or that it could’ve happened to his deer
  • He recently had a vision of a golden deer calling to him from heaven to bring him a carrot
  • He had, just an hour before, watched Bambi for the first time.
  • He was scared because the deer could’ve been going to its mom.
  • He had known that deer as long as it lived. He had wrestled with it since it was born.
  • Because he was reading/writing a scary story
  • They had just killed the only remaining Bigfoot (able to change forms) he had been hunting one his whole life, trying to catch it alive.
  • The song on the radio was “Hit me baby one more time”

Worlds Apart, by Burk Merryman

by facepalmforever

As the other slaves finished their evening tasks and drifted away, Akiva emerged from the dimly lit kitchen. “Kiya? Kiya? Are you here?” he called cautiously.

From behind one of the magnificent granite columns laced with etchings of hieroglyphics, a slim girl with dark skin and brilliant amber eyes emerged. Her rich linen garment made a soft rustling sound as she crossed the room towards Akiva. “Father thinks that I’ve gone to bed. Have you finished cleaning up from dinner yet? Is anyone still up?” she said, glancing furtively towards the dining room.

No. Don’t worry. I already made sure everyone is gone for the night.” Akiva reassured her. The two walked over and took a seat in two of the highly polished wooden chairs with cushions in the living room.

I do wish Father would let me go outside without all my handmaidens just for a minute… It must be so nice to be free, to go where you would like!” said Kiya dreamily.

Yes, well… I guess neither of us know too much about that, do we?” Akiva replied jovially, and they both laughed. Then Akiva, looking more serious, said, “Please Kiya. We won’t be here for much longer… God’s going to free us! Oh, it’ll be wonderful; but I do wish you’d come with us.”

No! Please: not this again. I don’t want to leave Egypt. I have a life here. I could make a life for us here.” But she drifted off, knowing that this was merely a fantasy. She was scarcely allowed to step out into the gardens without a score of servants with her. Kiya proceeded cautiously, “But… when the plagues end, I’ll be able to go places again-”.

Kiya! You know that when the plagues end I’ll be gone. My God will not stop the plagues until we are free; and this is to be the last one!” Akiva caught his breath, “Kiya, please… Moses has said that God is sending the angel of death! All the first born sons will die! Please don’t do this to yourself. You still have a lamb that you could slaughter. Believe me that God will not withhold judgment! Or, if you won’t paint your doorframe with blood, then come with me- we could run away!”

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Fowler Fiesta… Short and Long

by facepalmforever

 

On Opossums

by facepalmforever

 

Gordon: “Possums are crazy. They’re like, ‘I’m dead!’ and I’m like, ‘No you’re not…now you are’.”

New Clothing Line

by facepalmforever

For Students who don’t like to believe in things.

Coming soon: “There are no good deeds” shorts

 

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Sprouts, by Brendan Warner

by facepalmforever

 

It was the absolute worst day of my life. I am a Brussels sprout from Southeast Cuba. Before yesterday I had a good sense of self-satisfaction. A few weeks ago I was picked and sold to a local grocery store with a few of my buddies. We had fun watching little kids avoid our aisle until some fitness creep ventured to our section and grabbed a handful of us while his kids were screaming not to. I was put into a plastic bag for a while until we were taken out, spread onto a pan and thrown into an oven. Thankfully we don’t have lives, so it didn’t hurt.

An hour later the creep took us out (I got a sweet tan) and started seasoning us. That night we were served on a table. I watched as we were divvied up between the kids while they were disgusted. This was when my self satisfaction was bombed. The kids cried and whined, gagged and plugged their noses, and cried and whined some more. I was stabbed countless times. When I was finally put into a mouth I felt better – I was being appreciated = when suddenly the kid spit me out in little pieces. At last I was fed to a dog. Wow, someone actually appreciates me!