The Facepalm

Publishing Veritas Academy's finest facepalm moments

Classical Stuff You Should Know, Episode 2: Intro to Homer

by facepalmforever

 

In order to get you guys hooked (if that’s ever a possibility), we’re posting a few episodes rapid-fire style. In the future, we’ll be posting once a week. We have an email address now, too! If you have questions or suggestions for episodes, you can send them to classicalstuff@veritasacademy.net .

To listen to the show, just click on the picture!

 

Thanks,

Your friendly neighborhood Hanenburg

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Classical Stuff You Should Know, Episode 1: The Tripartite Soul

by facepalmforever

 

Hey guys! We’re proud to announce the first installment of our new podcast: Classical Stuff You Should Know, hosted by Graeme Donaldson and myself. This is episode one. Go ahead and give it a listen! We’ll try and have a new episode for you every week. Click on the picture to check it out!

 

 

 

 

Raskolnikov Meme

by facepalmforever

 

I received this with a quiz.

Fluff and Tuff

by facepalmforever

From our “write a fable” exercise in writing lab:

“A Tale of Two Chickens: Fluff & Tuff”

Once upon a time there were two lazy and broody chickens who laid in the sun every day. They also loved partaking in dirt baths and chose to always ignore their master when he called out to them. One day as they were lounging in the soft packed dirt with the sun warming their feathers, Master Human Guy called out o them that it was feeding time. They ignored his calls and Fluff turned to Tuff and they began chatting away about the nice weather. A few hours later as the sun began to sink in the sky, Fluff experienced a pit of emptiness in her stomach. “Tuff!” she chortled, “I do believe my intestines are shutting down!”

The Tuff began to feel the pit of emptiness in her stomach as well. “Fluff!” Tuff chortled, “I do believe my intestines are dying as well!” They continued to groan and complain about their stomachs and messed up intestines until Mute Peck waddled over. Peck, with eyes bulging and feathers tossed began mindlessly pecking at the ground. This reminded Fluff and Tuff that they had not eaten all day. They began shouting at Peck, “Master Human Guy never called us for feeding time!”

They continued to whine and complain well in to the night, and because of their ruckes, two coyotes preyed on them in their dirt patch. They coyotes murdered Fluff and Tuff and to everyone’s dismay, Mute Peck. If only Fluff and Tuff would have obeyed their master instead of ignoring him, then they could still be alive with Peck in their patch of dirt. The moral? Do what you’re told in order to avoid hunger, sleep deprivation, and death.

The Woes of Diplomacy

by facepalmforever

The following is a poem written by Jonathan Jasper as a surrender order for his country, Austria-Hungary, to John Burk Merryman’s country, Germany. After allying with Austria-Hungary and Turkey (one Alsten Okpisz) to destroy France, Russia, and Britain, John Burk then betrayed the plans for a triple victory in favor of a solo triumph.

To Be Spoken, with Umph:

Friends, Europeans, countrymen, lend me your ears;

I come to bury France, Russia, and Britain, not to praise them.

The evil that men do lives after them;

The good is oft interred with their bones;

So let it be with them Read the rest of this entry »

Overheard in Passing

by facepalmforever

“Well do you want to study, or do you wanna eat lunch?” – One student to another

Homecoming 2k16

by facepalmforever

slowjam

Hanenburg: This next ones a slow jam (careless whisper begins to play)

 

[Hanenburg’s note: While I suspect this might be a personal dig, I can’t help but think I look dang good with a CASIO and a popped collar.]

Winnie’s Honey Addiction

by facepalmforever

Image result for Winnie the pooh and honey

 

In the stories about Winnie the Pooh, Winnie compulsively seeks honey, but his honey seeking behavior may be driven by addiction rather than a harmless sweet tooth. Throughout all of the stories that have Winnie in it, there always seems to be a shortage of honey, likely due to Winnie’s over consumption. Usually, after he finds out that his honey is no more, he goes looking to replenish his stockpile of sweet bee spit, which is classical compulsive behavior. Whenever Winnie is in his house, he is either happy because the whole place is overflowing with honey, or sad because there is none left, demonstrating the dependence of his emotions on the presence of a substance. This proves that he has to have honey to function, or else he turns into a honey-hungry bear.

 

-By Briggs and the English Class

The story of the antlers (this isn’t, actually, that far from the truth).

by facepalmforever

Deer image

 

What is Bambi?

A bambi was walking in the woods with his mother, when suddenly he heard, spoken off in the distance, a voice proclaiming: “Now son, aim straight and true.” Realising that this was spoken by a human, bambi promptly ignored it, because he was young and reckless. “Now bambi,” his mother said as she erupted in words creating babble that flows like a stream and rips through mountains creating a new path across the rugged unforgiving terrain of the cold and sleepless mountains. “When you hear people the logical thing to do is run as fast as you can in any direction, since humans are the lulling scum of the lagoon that makes you cringe in utter hatred because if it’s appalling nature.” So bambi decided that since he had heard the sound of human voices, he would run in a direction, which turned out to be directly towards the voices.

“Here he comes! Quickly aim for the head!” yelled one of the gruff voices residing within the shrubbery. Suddenly a sound that could break through the heavens and shoot beyond the stars ricocheted off of the trunks of the trees and bounced in the young bambi’s ear drums sending signals to his brain. However the signal were not as fast as the bullet that flew from the barrel of the child intent on the listless murder of a deer for the enjoyment of sport. The veil of death’s dark gaze then fell upon this poor deer, and he suddenly and abruptly died.

“Look dad!” proclaimed the young lord Hanenburg, “This one has antlers.”

 

 

By a student.

Psychologists

by facepalmforever

A student, in reference to the excellent education at Veritas:

“I feel like, at this point, I could just do psychology. Because psychology doesn’t have science.”